shaoweii’s how to : Be a emo blogger

Hi there! I’m very honored to officially release this ‘series’ in my blog called “shaoweii’s how to :”. What does this basically means its another stupid project by me(that probably would only contain one post inside) sharing what I know from making a sandwich to how to be a better person. And in this premiere series, I’ll be showing you how to be a EMO blogger.

Before everything, we’ll have to know, what is “emo”

An entire subculture of people (usually angsty teens) with a fake personality. The concept of Emo is actually a vicious cycle that never ends, to the utter failing of humanity, and it goes something like this:

1. Girls say they like “sensitive guys” (lie)
2. Guy finds out, so he listens to faggy emo music and dresses like a dork so chicks will see that he is sensitive and not afraid to express himself (lie). He dyes his hair black, wraps himself in a stupid looking scarf, develops an eating disorder, and rants about how “nobody understands”.
3. Now an emo guy, he meets Emo chick and they start dating, talking about how their well-off suburban lifestyles are terrible and depressing (lie)
4. Emo guy is just too much of a pussy. His penis is too small, he’s too depressed to bathe, and has more mood swings than emo chick, and he doesn’t even have a menstrual cycle. Emo chick dumps him, saying “It’s not you, it’s me.” (lie) as she drives off with Wayne, the school jock and captain of the football team.
5. Emo guy goes home and cries, proceeds to write a weak song and strum a single string on his acoustic guitar. Another emo chick sees how he is so in touch with his feelings, and the cycle continues.

This is the sad truth of the emo lifestyle/music, and now that I look at how pathetic it really is, maybe the emos DO have something to cry about!

Source : urban dictionary

TO be an emo blogger, first and foremost you’ll need :

  • A blog
  • A very very very very dark blog
  • A very very very very very very very very black background
  • A very contrast text color, probably something like black background and red text
  • *Blood splatters add 10 points extra

You can’t create a emo blog unless you are emo yourself. So to be a successful emo blogger you first need to turn emo. Make sure first meet the following criteria :

  • You must be single
  • You must have a very terrible breakup – i.e : caught cheating red handed, you stab your ex in the chest and ran away
  • You must hate your life and complain about everything – i.e You hate this world, you wonder why are you even born
  • You must never talk and must have a lot of piercing anywhere, as, each of the piercing marks something “important” in your life – i.e : the bad breakups!
  • You must have long hair. Especially guys

So, now that you’re emo, how to be a emo blogger?

  • Instead of stabbing your ex in the chest, the first thing you do after break up is running back home and blog ! Your blog template shall be something like :
  • Dear blog,Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if you ever have your own feeling. Only you understand me the most. (Insert name here) is a bitch. I hope he/she go to hell. It’s been awhile since I talk to you, my dearest blog, even my teddy bear doesn’t talk to me anymore. Oh, only you feel my pain, my heart is as painful as a big monster truck’s big monster tyre hitting the teddy bear and it’s almost as deep as the ocean.*follow by some emo song lyrics
  • And then what you do after you write these post? You Password Protect it! So that no one will read your little secret. (Even if you didn’t password protect it, no one will read anyway) Your password shall be something like (insert name here) is a bit*ch
  • Think of a sad title as if someone died – i.e : Some emo song title/part of the lyrics extract

Now, there is a few types of emo blogger, yes, just like there’s fast food i.e KFC, McD, even though they are fast food but they are still different.

First up we’ll have a “educated” emo blogger.

To be a educated emo blogger you’ll need

  • Very freaking good english with vocabulary that no one will understand unless they sleep with Oxford dictionary everyday
  • Your post never reveals the name of your *victim*
  • You probably protect most of your post
  • Your post is like a novel, that, even when J.K Rowling will row away.
  • Your post is freaking effin long, and yes, again, no one will read.
  • Then you’ll have emo pics (for eg, the angel above) in between your paragraph
  • Your blog skin probably looks better than the next type of emo blogger

Then we’ll have Ah Beng/Ah Lian emo blogger

  • You can’t write proper english
  • Your blog skin is very ugly, full of blood, red, black, red, and black, and more blood.
  • Most of your post probably do not have paragraph, they’re all in one line! For eg
  • Kannineh lumac*i*bai!! WhY u dO thIs tO Me?!@!!!!!!!!!! yOu sAAyy YouU lovEEEE mee BeFoRRE! YoU Say yoU wiLl nEvER lEAVE Me aLonE anD SEe NoW yOu WitH The MoToR BEnG aNND!!! I Is VeRYyy ANGrRYYY OHHHRRHHH!!! WhY dO yoUUu HaVeE to DO this to Me ORhHH!!!! BABEEEE I sTiLL lOve yOUU! yoUU knOw how MISHHHH YOUU?!! hOW aM I gOIng to LIVeE againn!!!! me LOVE you !!!!!!!!
  • You probably trying to kill yourself after that but you never have to balls to do so

Now that you know the basic, it’s time for you to start your own emo blog !

Additional point :

To get additional point,

  • You need to have a facebook, a myspace, a twitter, a tumblr, a formspring, and whatever social media
  • And you need to spam all the status update with emo post as emo as you can. for e.g : I wish I could kill myself.. or f*ck u bi*ch!!! [insert name here]

It’s simple, it’s free, and it’s fun !


Time for some laughter #1

What’s the difference between someone who’s falling off 20 stories off a building and one who’s falling off 1 storey off a building?

Think, and then click keep reading for answer đŸ˜›